i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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