There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
