woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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