How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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