Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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