So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
