Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Randomize
