if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
