Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can't special order awesome
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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