So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize