Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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