meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
