smell my finger.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize