In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
