He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
