Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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