I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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