Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
