Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
