i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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