so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
