I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
