woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
