do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
