remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
