Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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