I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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