My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
