Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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