I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
