This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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