I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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