you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need moral support for this bender
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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