The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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