I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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