Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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