I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
