My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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