Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
