She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
