so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
