Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
