Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
