I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
