How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
