I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
