My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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