Betty ford says i'm here all night
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
