I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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