I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize