you didnt know i had herpes?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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