i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
