he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
True strength comes from lack of pants
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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