My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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