He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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