I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
