im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
