I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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