Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
