we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
