My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
