I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
