It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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